How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue.<\/p>\n
And then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where did<\/p>\n
the glue go?<\/p>\n
You know darned well where it went! That’s what makes the<\/p>\n
cake stick to your butt!<\/p>\n
*************<\/p>\n
RETARDED GRANDPARENTS\u00a0<\/p>\n
(this was actually reported by a teacher)\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.\u00a0<\/p>\n
One child wrote the following:\u00a0<\/p>\n
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.\u00a0<\/p>\n
They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona .\u00a0<\/p>\n
Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don’t know who they are anymore.\u00a0<\/p>\n
They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well.\u00a0<\/p>\n
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.\u00a0<\/p>\n
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.\u00a0<\/p>\n
And, they eat the same thing every night — early birds.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Some of the people can’t get out past the man in the doll house.\u00a0<\/p>\n
The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.\u00a0<\/p>\n
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too..<\/p>\n
When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.\u00a0<\/p>\n
….. PRICELESS<\/p>\n
********************<\/p>\n
I realized the impact of computers on my young son one evening<\/p>\n
when there was a dramatic sunset. Pointing to the western sky,<\/p>\n
David said, “I wish we could click and save that.”<\/p>\n
**************<\/p>\n
A sign on Washington’s Route 8, featuring an illustration of<\/p>\n
a police car with lights flashing, reads” “If you drink and<\/p>\n
drive, we’ll provide the chasers.”<\/p>\n
**************<\/p>\n
In a hat shop a saleslady gushed: “That’s the hat for you!<\/p>\n
It makes you look ten years younger.”<\/p>\n
***************<\/p>\n
“Then I don’t want it,” retorted the matronly customer.<\/p>\n
“I certainly can’t afford to put on ten years every time I<\/p>\n
take off my hat!”<\/p>\n
***************<\/p>\n
The company my brother worked for had a phone system that<\/p>\n
rerouted after-hours calls. If any calls came in on a<\/p>\n
certain line while he was working late, Dave knew it would<\/p>\n
be a wrong number. It got to the point where as soon as the<\/p>\n
phone rang, Dave would pick up and say, “Psychic Hotline.<\/p>\n
I’m sorry, but you’ve dialed the wrong number.”<\/p>\n
The caller would often reply with something like, “But I<\/p>\n
didn’t even ask to speak to anyone yet. How did you know I<\/p>\n
dialed the wrong…. Oh!” (Click.)<\/p>\n
**************<\/p>\n
Dad is from the old school, where you keep your money under<\/p>\n
the mattress?only he kept his in the underwear drawer. One<\/p>\n
day I bought my dad an unusual personal safe?a can of spray<\/p>\n
paint with a false bottom?so he could keep his money in the<\/p>\n
workshop. Later I asked Mom if he was using it.<\/p>\n
“Oh, yes,” she replied, “he put his money in it the same day.”<\/p>\n
“No burglar would think to look on the work shelf!” I gloated.<\/p>\n
“They won’t have to,” my mom replied. “He keeps the paint can<\/p>\n
in his underwear drawer.”<\/p>\n
****************<\/p>\n
\u00a0Larry died. His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the<\/p>\n
\u00a0last guests departed the affair, his wife Sarah turned to her oldest and<\/p>\n
\u00a0dearest friend. “Well, I’m sure Larry would be pleased,” she said.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned<\/p>\n
\u00a0in close. “How much did this really cost?”\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u00a0“All of it,” said Sarah. “Forty-thousand.”\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u00a0“No!” Jody exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but $40,000?”\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0Sarah answered, “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone. ”\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u00a0Jody computed quickly, “$32,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?”<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0“Four and a half carats.”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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