\u00a0<\/p>\n
I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists’\u00a0
\ncanvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two\u00a0
\nwidths: 36 inches or 48 inches.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Customer: “Can you please cut some canvas for me?”\u00a0<\/p>\n
Me: “Certainly, what width?”\u00a0<\/p>\n
Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) “Scissors?”\u00a0<\/p>\n
*************************
\nA woman in my office recently divorced after years of\u00a0
\nmarriage, had signed up for a refresher CPR course.\u00a0<\/p>\n
“Is it hard to learn?” someone asked.\u00a0<\/p>\n
“Not at all,” my co-worker replied. “Basically you’re asked\u00a0
\nto breathe life into a dummy. I don’t expect to have any\u00a0
\nproblem. I did that for 12 years.”\u00a0<\/p>\n
*********************<\/p>\n
My friend and I joined a weight-loss organization. At one\u00a0<\/p>\n
meeting the instructor held up an apple and a candy bar.\u00a0<\/p>\n
“What are the attributes of this apple,” she asked, “and\u00a0
\nhow do they relate to our diet?”\u00a0<\/p>\n
“Low in calories” and “lots of fiber,” were among the\u00a0
\nanswers.\u00a0<\/p>\n
She then detailed what was wrong with eating candy, and con-
\ncluded, “Apples are not only more healthful but also less\u00a0
\nexpensive. Do you know I paid fifty-five cents for this\u00a0
\ncandy bar?” We stared as she held aloft the forbidden treat.\u00a0<\/p>\n
From in back of the room a small voice spoke up. “I’ll give\u00a0
\nyou seventy-five cents for it.”\u00a0
\n*************************
\nThe local high school has a policy that the parents must call\u00a0
\nthe school if a student is to be absent for the day. Alice\u00a0
\ndeciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends.\u00a0
\nSo she waited until her parents had left for work and called\u00a0
\nthe school herself.\u00a0<\/p>\n
“Hi, I’m calling to report that Alice is unable to make it\u00a0
\nto school today because she is ill.”\u00a0<\/p>\n
Secretary at high school answered, “I’m sorry to hear that.\u00a0
\nI’ll note her absence. Who is this calling please?”\u00a0<\/p>\n
“This is my mother.”\u00a0<\/p>\n
****************************<\/p>\n
At the start of every Mass, the priest would make the sign\u00a0<\/p>\n
of the cross, followed as usual by the entrance song and\u00a0<\/p>\n
the blessing, after which the congregation responded, “And\u00a0
\nalso with you.”\u00a0<\/p>\n
One Sunday, after making the sign of the cross, our priest\u00a0
\nappeared to be having difficulty with the sound system\u00a0
\nduring the singing of the entrance hymn. At the conclusion\u00a0
\nof the song, the priest said, “There seems to be something\u00a0
\nwrong with the mike.”\u00a0<\/p>\n
The congregation automatically responded, “And also with\u00a0
\nyou.”\u00a0<\/p>\n
*******************************<\/p>\n
Our co-worker kept trying to get her mother to fly out for\u00a0<\/p>\n
a visit. “No way am I getting on an airplane,” was the in-
\nevitable answer.\u00a0<\/p>\n
“Look, Mom, when it’s your time to go, it doesn’t matter\u00a0
\nif you’re on the ground or in the air.”\u00a0<\/p>\n
“I know,” said her mother. “I just don’t want to be that\u00a0
\nfar off the ground when it’s the pilot’s time to go.”\u00a0
\n************************************
\nAt a wedding I recently attended, the priest called for a\u00a0
\nmoment of silence to remember the faithful dead…\u00a0<\/p>\n
As the church grew quiet, a little boy sitting in front of\u00a0
\nme turned to his father and said excitedly, “Dad, you have\u00a0
\nsome of their albums!”\u00a0<\/p>\n
*******************************
\nA mother and father were chatting with their eight-year-old\u00a0
\nson about his future. \u00a0The youngster said he’d like to attend\u00a0
\nCornell, as his parents and other members of the family had.\u00a0
\nPleased with his response, they pressed on. “What would you\u00a0
\nlike to take when you attend college?” they asked the little\u00a0
\nboy.\u00a0<\/p>\n
After giving it some thought and glancing around the kitchen,\u00a0
\nhe replied, “The refrigerator, if you can get along without\u00a0
\nit.”<\/p>\n
******************************
\n“Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.\u00a0
\nQuinn remarked that Murphy was a very lucky man, because\u00a0
\nhis own wife makes him walk to the pub.” –Unknown\u00a0<\/p>\n
******************************
\nAs I serviced an alarm system at a jewelry store recently,\u00a0
\nthe saleswoman let me know that the store was having a 20\u00a0
\npercent off sale.\u00a0<\/p>\n
“I bet your girlfriend would love it if you bought her\u00a0
\nsomething.” she suggested.\u00a0<\/p>\n
“I don’t have a girlfriend,” I answered.\u00a0<\/p>\n
“No girlfriend? Why not?”\u00a0<\/p>\n
“My wife won’t let me.”\u00a0<\/p>\n
*****************************<\/p>\n
Although I knew our commanding officer hated doling out\u00a0
\nweekend passes, I thought I had a good reason.\u00a0<\/p>\n
“My wife is pregnant and I want to be with her,” I told\u00a0
\nthe C.O. Much to my surprise he said, “Permission granted.”\u00a0<\/p>\n
Inspired by my success, a fellow soldier also requested a\u00a0
\nweekend pass. His wife wasn’t pregnant, so when the C.O.\u00a0
\nasked why he should grant him permission, my friend re-
\nsponded, “My wife is getting pregnant this weekend and I\u00a0
\nwant to be with her.”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
\u00a0 I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists’\u00a0 canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two\u00a0 widths: 36 inches or […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[41],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"\n