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October 2009 Giggles and Chuckles

October 2009 Giggles and Chuckles


I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists’ 
canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two 
widths: 36 inches or 48 inches. 

Customer: “Can you please cut some canvas for me?” 

Me: “Certainly, what width?” 

Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) “Scissors?” 

A woman in my office recently divorced after years of 
marriage, had signed up for a refresher CPR course. 

“Is it hard to learn?” someone asked. 

“Not at all,” my co-worker replied. “Basically you’re asked 
to breathe life into a dummy. I don’t expect to have any 
problem. I did that for 12 years.” 


My friend and I joined a weight-loss organization. At one 

meeting the instructor held up an apple and a candy bar. 

“What are the attributes of this apple,” she asked, “and 
how do they relate to our diet?” 

“Low in calories” and “lots of fiber,” were among the 

She then detailed what was wrong with eating candy, and con-
cluded, “Apples are not only more healthful but also less 
expensive. Do you know I paid fifty-five cents for this 
candy bar?” We stared as she held aloft the forbidden treat. 

From in back of the room a small voice spoke up. “I’ll give 
you seventy-five cents for it.” 
The local high school has a policy that the parents must call 
the school if a student is to be absent for the day. Alice 
deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends. 
So she waited until her parents had left for work and called 
the school herself. 

“Hi, I’m calling to report that Alice is unable to make it 
to school today because she is ill.” 

Secretary at high school answered, “I’m sorry to hear that. 
I’ll note her absence. Who is this calling please?” 

“This is my mother.” 


At the start of every Mass, the priest would make the sign 

of the cross, followed as usual by the entrance song and 

the blessing, after which the congregation responded, “And 
also with you.” 

One Sunday, after making the sign of the cross, our priest 
appeared to be having difficulty with the sound system 
during the singing of the entrance hymn. At the conclusion 
of the song, the priest said, “There seems to be something 
wrong with the mike.” 

The congregation automatically responded, “And also with 


Our co-worker kept trying to get her mother to fly out for 

a visit. “No way am I getting on an airplane,” was the in-
evitable answer. 

“Look, Mom, when it’s your time to go, it doesn’t matter 
if you’re on the ground or in the air.” 

“I know,” said her mother. “I just don’t want to be that 
far off the ground when it’s the pilot’s time to go.” 
At a wedding I recently attended, the priest called for a 
moment of silence to remember the faithful dead… 

As the church grew quiet, a little boy sitting in front of 
me turned to his father and said excitedly, “Dad, you have 
some of their albums!” 

A mother and father were chatting with their eight-year-old 
son about his future.  The youngster said he’d like to attend 
Cornell, as his parents and other members of the family had. 
Pleased with his response, they pressed on. “What would you 
like to take when you attend college?” they asked the little 

After giving it some thought and glancing around the kitchen, 
he replied, “The refrigerator, if you can get along without 

“Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. 
Quinn remarked that Murphy was a very lucky man, because 
his own wife makes him walk to the pub.” –Unknown 

As I serviced an alarm system at a jewelry store recently, 
the saleswoman let me know that the store was having a 20 
percent off sale. 

“I bet your girlfriend would love it if you bought her 
something.” she suggested. 

“I don’t have a girlfriend,” I answered. 

“No girlfriend? Why not?” 

“My wife won’t let me.” 


Although I knew our commanding officer hated doling out 
weekend passes, I thought I had a good reason. 

“My wife is pregnant and I want to be with her,” I told 
the C.O. Much to my surprise he said, “Permission granted.” 

Inspired by my success, a fellow soldier also requested a 
weekend pass. His wife wasn’t pregnant, so when the C.O. 
asked why he should grant him permission, my friend re-
sponded, “My wife is getting pregnant this weekend and I 
want to be with her.”